Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
