Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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