He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
birth control should be required to get into college
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
