Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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