plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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