He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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