i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
