Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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