Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
