Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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