oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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