i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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