her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
