can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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