Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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