it hurts more in the daytime
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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