My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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