I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
