she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
