Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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