He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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