eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
