I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
