Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize