hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
