seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
