Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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