Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize