Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
