I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
