I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
