I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
