If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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