party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
