nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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