Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
