when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
