apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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