my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Randomize