life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That's intense
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize