sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
