I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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