DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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