My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
