One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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