R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
