The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
