atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
