Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
