I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
