weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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