apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
why do cheetos always look like penises
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
