4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
