So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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