Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
