Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
ttyl tear gas
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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