Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize