nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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