I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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