I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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