I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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